Music of the Decade: A List of Music Awards

**The following awards came solely from the mind of me, Max Neibaur.  Obviously, no one else could have come up with such brilliant, or, depending on your point of view, idiotic opinions and validations.**

Most Prolific Artist of the Decade: Regina Spektor

Spektor wrote well over 100 songs this decade without a clunker in the bunch.  Spektor’s brilliant originality gets slightly watered-down on her big label releases Begin to Hope (2006) and Far (2009), but not too much for one to recognize how special she truly is.  Critics and music fans will disagree on how good Spektor is, but fellow musicians nearly unanimously credit the Russian-born, Bronx-raised, anti-folk artist as one of the most gifted singer/songwriter/musicians ever.

Best Debut Album of the Decade: Get Away from Me (2004) – Nellie McKay

The album title is a play on words of Norah Jones’ Come Away With Me. With Get Away from Me, McKay wanted to reclaim jazz as a genre of innovation and risk.  This critically acclaimed album showcased McKay’s brilliant, edgy anti-folk lyrics set to all styles of music—albeit with a jazz/show tunes base.  Get Away from Me is also a double album and is said to mark the first time a female has ever debuted with one.

Whitest Rapper of the Decade: every one that has been on mainstream radio

Ha!  You thought I would say Eminem or that dude that raps about loving college.  No, any rapper that is signed to a major label and on mainstream radio is basically using African-American culture and art to take money out of the pockets of the African-American youth and hand it over to rich white businessmen so they can add a fourth platinum-coated toilet seat to their mansions in Aspen.  Any rapper that does that has to be white no matter how dark their skin pigment is—because it’s either that or they are merchants of the Devil, and I don’t believe in the Devil.

Most Tragic Development in the Music Industry of the Decade: Disney becomes more popular and influential than ever and pushes Taylor Swift and crew to sell sex with their images and purity with their words

I really hope this generation of kids sees through this convoluted message as they grow up, or I fear there will be a tragic effect of confusion, depression and suicide–and politicians think violence in video games is the biggest threat coming from the mass media?

BIZZARRO WORLD AWARDS

Bizzarro World Award – Best Debut Album of the Decade: Thankful (2003) – Kelly Clarkson

I really could have done without ever hearing a note come out of the artist Kelly Clarkson; or, more aptly, the “product” Kelly Clarkson.  Further proof the Brits have a higher music IQ than us: Clarkson’s first album debuted at number 1 on the U.S. charts; whereas, Thankful never got higher than 41 on the U.K. charts in its entire run.

Bizzarro World Award – Best Song of the Decade: “My Humps” (2005) – Black Eyed Peas

Despite being one of the most critically condemned songs of all time, despite being mocked and made fun of by the public and press and despite having the worst lyrics in the history of written language, “My Humps” won a Grammy and hit number 3 on the Billboard Hot 100.  What does all this mean?  It means we are living in the most artistically sheltered era in the history of the Earth.  Further proof the Brits have just as low of a music IQ as us: “My Humps” also got up to number 3 on their charts.

Bizzarro World Award – Most Legitimate Artist of the Decade: tie between Katy Perry and Avril Lavigne

Lavigne copied Michelle Branch, Amy Lee and Gwen Stefani with albums one, two and three.  She was initially referred to as a “punk princess,” for no reason other than that’s what Arista (Lavigne’s label) marketed her as.  Initially, Lavigne condemned artists who seemed more concerned with image and looks than their music, and then she bleached her hair blonde and signed with Ford Modeling Agency.  But, perhaps not even Avril Lavigne can exchange illegitimate fists with Katy Perry.  Gay activists burden Perry with way too much criticism for her songs “Ur So Gay” and “I Kissed a Girl;” however, Perry’s “Who? Me? I didn’t mean anything by it” act is insulting to the intelligence of anyone using reason.  I highly doubt Perry set out to fuel gay stereotypes with her songs, but any time she insinuates in interviews that highlighting those songs as singles was a coincidence she is either, one: flat out lying; or, two, the dumbest woman on Earth this side of Sarah Palin.  Perry once referred to herself as the “skinnier version” of the U.K.’s Lily Allen.  Further evidence the Brits music IQ is higher than ours: Lily Allen introspectively sings, “I’m a weapon of massive consumption, it’s not my fault, it’s how I’m programmed to function;” whereas, the U.S.’s Perry is thinner, has bigger breasts, and sings shallow, controversial and ambiguous songs to promote an image and sell records.

FUN AWARDS

Only Sound Worse Than a Tortured Baby’s Scream: Music by Nickelback

Some people don’t like war, disease and suffering—I don’t like Nickelback.

Best Reason to Stop Listening to Music: The rise of auto-tune in the 2000s

Many artists have already trashed musical instruments in favor of machines.  As the popularity of reverb, vocal recorders, auto-tune and anything else that distorts vocals rises, I have just one question:  Do you really have to have ANY musical talent at all to make it in the music industry any longer?

Worst Sample of the Decade: Fergie samples Little Richard’s “The Girl Can’t Help It” for her song “Clumsy” (2007)

Fergie’s song is about a girl who can’t get it together…Little Richard’s song is about a girl who has everything going for her—does NOBODY listen to lyrics anymore?  No…the answer to that question is a resounding N-O.

Best Song Title of the Decade: “Lonesome Organist Rapes Page Turner” (2008) – The Dresden Dolls

Sorry, but that title never fails to make me laugh.

Song That’s So Forgettable, It Will Be Remembered: “Thong Song” (2000) – Sisqo

“…dumps like a truck truck truck…”

Worst Fashion Move of the Decade:  Michelle Branch briefly dying her beautiful black hair blonde

I failed to find a link to a picture of her during this period.  Perhaps Branch hired a group of computer ninjas to assassinate pictures of her blonde hair from the Internet!

Most Colorful Song of the Decade: “Blue (Da Ba Dee)” by Eiffel 65 (2000)

Lyrics: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/eiffel65/bluedabade.html

I remember a kid writing something strikingly similar to this back in second grade…the next year, he was still in the second grade.

Most Overplayed Prom Song of the Decade: tie- “Here’s To The Night” by Eve 6 (2001) and “Graduation (Friends Forever)” by Vitamin C (2000)

My school turned down my suggestion of Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick in The Wall (Part II).”

Song That Most Emphatically Marked a Band Jumping the Shark: “Beverly Hills” by Weezer (2005)

It made me feel like throwing away my Blue Album.

Award for Shameless But Still Deserving Promotion of Artists He Likes: Me for my FUTURE AWARDS

FUTURE AWARDS

Best Female Singer/Songwriter of the 2010s: Milla Traylen

http://www.myspace.com/millatraylen

Best Album of the 2010s by Someone Not Named Regina Spektor: Emmy the Great

http://www.myspace.com/emmythegreat

Best Rapper of the 2010s: Immortal Technique

http://www.myspace.com/immortaltechnique